I’ve spent a good amount of my time being bothered over the years. There are so many things in someone’s life that eventually build up and create a state of being ungrounded, unbalanced, and unaware. But this is no way to live. This is a prison of one’s own creation. The key to freedom hangs on the wall within reach, but I was too busy wallowing in a state of being bothered that I didn’t even have the awareness to see it.
That’s how this works. The key, the answer, the freedom is right there. Well within reach and in plain sight. But the mind tells us that there is too much between here and there, prison and freedom. Whether that’s space, time, distance, or the overwhelming heaviness of pain. So we talk ourselves out of it. We say that’s out of reach and not available to me. We make excuses to the point where we actually begin to believe this lie as absolute truth.
It wasn’t until I finally got sick of my own excuses, my own bullshit, that I was able to even see the proverbial key on the wall that had been there the whole time. And as I went to reach for it, hands shaking and heart racing, I realized how much I’d allowed my own fear of freedom to get in the way. Yes, my fear of freedom.
This was a revelation.
Who would I be without this anger? How would I act without all this heavy pain? What would be my reaction without PTSD from surviving a terrorist attack in India all those years ago? Who would I be?
Can you say identity crisis? Woof!
Never would I have thought that I would be AFRAID to be unafraid. Bothered about the potential of being unbothered? Ugh. So sick of this. But also very much in a state of compassion. I felt so sad for the woman who was clinging to all these states of being out of the sheer fear of being free of them.
The feeling of emptiness was real when I thought of my impending freedom. These feelings of past pain, abuse, trauma, and PTSD had taken up residence in my heart, mind, body, and soul. The roots were deep. And the thought of uprooting all of this and being left with a mess to clean up, along with gaping holes, was too much to think about enduring.
So I watered the toxic plants. I gave them just enough light (speaking about them to a select group of people) to make them feel seen. I nourished them with more fear and as they grew and grew, part of me got confused by their successful growth as something positive. I thought that because they were growing and thriving within, that I was doing something right. But the opposite was true. I was choking out the light. Choking out the joy. Choking out the creative pulse of my soul.
Shadow Work Isn’t Scary
It wasn’t until I went fearlessly into the darkness during psilocybin (mushroom) therapy that I was able to become aware of the damage I was doing to myself. And that’s when I developed a process for becoming UNBOTHERED AF. I couldn’t be afraid of what I would find lurking in my shadow … I put it there! Like stuffing too many things in a closet and being afraid to open it, I had used my heart, soul, and body for storage. BUT, I knew exactly what was in there.
It was through the exploration of my own darkness that I became unbothered. I also fell deeply in love with myself. BONUS!
Through actually looking at the state of things and how much I’d allowed to have power over me, I finally realized how dire the situation was. I was so close to a complete takeover of this toxicity. There was so much heavy black sludge that kept the brilliance of my soul away from even realizing there was light. I was emotionally self-destructive and completely oblivious to it in my conscious mind.
And then I declared that enough was enough. The awareness was painfully illuminating. It made me see what I knew was there but wasn’t strong enough to look at. Or at least that’s what I’d told myself for years. That I wasn’t strong enough to look, and that if I did it would surely break me. And THAT was the bullshit I got sick of hearing reverberate through my body. Enough.
So through therapy, and my own self-reflection I developed a process to go from fear to freedom. From being bothered to being unbothered.
Here’s what that looks like:
I realized through my inner travels, that not being aware of my darkness was the biggest problem. From there, I needed to understand both why it was there and what I was afraid to look. Then, I could move into acceptance and embrace the WHY and love myself fully. I then became the woman of my dreams and fully embodied freedom.
I can confidently say that I will always be bothered on and off about things that happen in life. I’m human. But with even more confidence and my head held high, I can say that being UNBOTHERED AF will be a strong undercurrent in my energy for the rest of time. But it takes work. It takes devotion—which is my word for 2021. And more than anything, it takes self-love and compassion. You have to be willing to compassionately call yourself out on your own bullshit in order to be liberated from your self-imposed prison cell.
I don’t believe in morning routines. Yes, you read that right. In fact, I have an adverse reaction to them.
Not only am I not a morning person but I’m a professional night owl. I have never been able to resonate with anything structured. Not in the morning, not in the evening; never.
Sure, I get that everyone thrives with a bit of structure and a container to work within, but I hate being told what to do and when that’s paired with feeling pressured and rushed first thing in the morning, forget it. I’m tapping out before I even get in.
I have a firm believe that morning routines are for some but not for all. There’s no one way to do anything, especially how to spend the sacred time right after you get out of bed. And if you read an article or someone’s post on social media about “the morning routine guaranteed to make you successful” or something along those lines, please proceed with radical discernment.
I’m not dumping on those people, the ones that are up at 5am, go for a run or do yoga, then breath-work, 30 minutes of journaling, a cold shower, MCT oil crack coffee, and then take on the world all before 7am. I’m just NOT one of them.
And I figured, if that kind of rigid morning routine makes me cringe and want to stay in bed even long, then I must not be alone. There’s gotta be a whole cohort of people who also cringe but who want to do something in the morning that helps them prepare for a bangin’ day of being productive, creative, inspired, and LIT from within. And if you’ve ever tried one of those morning routines and fell of the wagon a few days later, there’s bound to be some shame and guilt. And I am NOT here for that!
So here I am, coming out of the morning routine closet with an alternative option: a morning ritual.
Rituals in the magical realm are sacred, but you don’t have to be a witch to perform one. The thing about rituals is that they are intuitive, ever-changing, and deeply in alignment with your inner and outer worlds.
I’ve been an entrepreneur in the spiritual industry since 2015, and in this time I’ve not only decided to stop saying yes to shit I hate, but I’ve also gotten deeply in touch with the things I love.
Once I identified what made me happy, like working hard from 2pm to 9pm rather than the standard 9-5, I opened up a whole new world of possibilities. As I said, I’m not a morning person. It’s not that I’m grumpy or in a bad mood to be awake, I’m just slow. My brain doesn’t fully turn on until about 10am and even then, I’m just starting to scan emails and get organized for the day.
My window of work and creativity is from 2pm-9pm and since I’ve given myself permission to not be so rigid to the 9-5, I’ve realized that I can get so much more done, faster than those 5am-ers take their cold showers.
So now that I don’t push myself to work before noon, because I know I’ll have peak energy at 5pm, I flow through my mornings with grace and ease.
I give myself permission to do whatever feels best that day.
Here are some activities I weave through:
EFT Tapping (this is almost every morning)
Intuitive dance party
Meditation and breath-work
Pulling tarot and/or oracle cards
Sitting in the sun
Taking a bath
Snuggling my dog
Studying/taking a course
Staring at the wall
As I’ve allowed myself to choose from a menu of things that I love, I’ve been able to fall in love with my mornings.
My morning ritual is always intentional and intuitive, never forced or rushed. If I don’t feel like doing any of those things, I also create space for that and accept myself exactly where I am.
Permission granted to do what feels best for YOU!
Take my quiz below to discover your ideal morning ritual to start your day aligned and in flow.
2020 has been the year that we were all challenged, forced inward (literally and figuratively), and pushed past edges we didn’t previously know existed. All this inner work is going to pay off in a big way, but before we get to the pot of gold at the end of the poop-colored rainbow that is 2020, we’ve got to accept this experience and integrate all we’ve learned thus far.
This is shadow work.
Whether you lost your job, lost a loved one, lost your sense of self, lost some of your sanity, or lost your light, it’s ok to grieve. November is the beginning of the holidays, but that looks much different this year than it ever has before.
Love, Light, and Black Holes
Grief may be taking over, and that’s ok. I say this all the time, but we can’t only be love and light. We can’t always be blooming. The darkness, the contraction, is just as important as the light experienced in the expansion. This is how I came up with LOVE, LIGHT, AND BLACK HOLES. We need them all. We need the duality. We need to feel the depths of grief to know the heights of joy.
You are so loved, so supported, and so guided every step of the way. If there’s ever a time where you look around for help and don’t see anyone there, fear not. It’s easy to feel isolated in difficult emotions and experiences.
We think that no one can understand the pain we’re in. We’re afraid that if we share the darkness we’re enveloped in that we’ll be met with bullshit phrases like “this is for the best” or “they’re in a better place now” or “it’s going to get better, you just have to get through it” or “this will make you stronger”. And while these phrases may carry truth on some level, they are the opposite of helpful when you’re hurting. And that can cause even more pain.
What you need when you’re immersed in grief, lost in pain, and afraid of the dark, is to feel seen. To feel validated in your emotions, not encouraged to suck it up and wash them away. Emotions aren’t pretty. But no one is trying to win a beauty contest this year. Please, I’ve been in pjs since March and recently purchased a matching sweat suit. This is 2020. This is reality. Don’t try to wash away the pain.
Sit in it. Feel it. See it. Invite it to your table. Make your pain feel seen so you can see through the darkness.
There is no shortcut to healing grief or the shadow
You have to bring your darkness into the light. Bringing light to the dark is an impossible new age myth. Bring your darkness into the light and you’ll watch it dissolve and integrate into your light. The sky must be dark before you can see the stars.
Being authentic is what is going to get you through the darkest days. Being real about how you feel and not talking yourself out of the emotion is where the gold is. Don’t fake it till you make it. That’s an impossible task and some serious bypassing. You are the captain of your ship. You are in control. You have the power of choice to decide if you’re going to let the wave take you further out to sea or straight into shore, to safety. Ride the wave of uncertainty and invite your pain to the surface.
When we are afraid of something lurking in the dark it can easily take on a bigger, scarier form than it has in reality. We create story after story about how awful, painful, traumatic it is that it morphs into something much larger than how it began.
Be real with yourself and with your pain. This is real-life magic that is available to everyone.
Authenticity is the new black
It turns out that being your authentic self is the point. It is enlightenment. It is the Truth. We’ve been encouraged to conform, to stay in line, to do what’s been deem to be “right” without our input. But that’s changing now. You’re waking up to you power, to your authenticity, to your uniqueness. There is no one like you in the universe, and THAT is your superpower.
Don’t seek this externally. Anything you seek to give you power that is outside of yourself is an immediate loss of power. Externalization of power, validation, approval, acceptance, love, etc is going to rob you of your personal power.
Be your own guru. Wake up to the fact that all the answers actually are inside you. And being your true, unique self is the only way to be in harmony with your soul—which is the point of all spiritual paths.
You’ll never escape duality in life—of feeling both light and dark simultaneously. It’s the law of the universe. However, when you come from a place of oneness, of completeness, you are turning on your laser focus, and that is where the true power lies. You can traverse the plane between light and dark knowing that you have the power to hold space for both.
Be easy on yourself as you navigate your inner world. Trust your soul as your compass. Open your heart to your pain and grief and trauma. Know that you are never alone. You are so loved. You are so capable.
In the spiritual community, manifestation is talked about in a lot of different ways. Manifestation is easily one of the most sought after lessons, and the most talked about by practitioners and leaders. However, this also means that a lot of people go unchecked with what they’re sharing, and that opens the door to fluffery, Law of Attraction nonsense, and incomplete processes that leave people feeling frustrated and disconnected from their Soul Magic.
I don’t believe that there’s one way to do anything. And I definitely don’t believe my way is right. But what I am passionate about is empowering you with information that resonates so that you can step into your full-ass power and feel like the magical being that you are.
With so much information out there from so many sources, let’s talk about what manifestation is NOT.
In my view and experience, the common phrases “raise your vibration to match what you want to manifest” and “I am a money magnet” for example, make no damn sense. How do I know what frequency I’m at, and how do I know what I want is vibrating at? And if I say that affirmation in the mirror or write it in my journal, then I am just all of a sudden a money magnet? Ugh. No. Just no. Manifestation is so much less “woowoo” and so much more practical than that. That’s how NOT to manifest.
How to Manifest
Here’s my process for manifestation that ALWAYS works when I’m in alignment. Spoiler alert, it all starts with shame:
Do any necessary shadow work around what you want. Shame is the shadow is desire. So when you want something, there’s and equal and opposite force that lives in the realm of shame. Identify and acknowledge the shame behind what you want. Even if you aren’t aware that you’re ashamed of what you want, it’s living in your subconscious. And if I’ve learned anything about manifestation over the years, it’s that the subconscious is the engine of it all. Even just the shame around NOT having what you want is something to move towards. Go towards your darkness and you’ll find gold.
Be authentic and in integrity with what you want to manifest. Get clear on your “why” and come from a place of truth and authenticity. Example: “I want to manifest the love of my life because I am whole and complete within myself and I am ready to rise with someone who sees me for my worth and my magic” See, you’re not manifesting love to be completed or “saved” – rather you’re manifesting love because you’re ready to rise with someone and you’ve already fallen in love with your self. When you’re authentic and in integrity, your manifestation will be coming from a whole and complete place, free of fear and lack.
Surrender your desire and release attachment to receiving. This part is tricky because we desperately want to hold onto desires. We make vision boards, have fake checks hanging on the wall, and carry around rose quartz to find love. But it’s in the release and the trust that the magic has space to breathe and come to life. Tend to your needs and take care of yourself while you remain patient and faithful.
Take care of your needs first, always, and the rest of life will flow. When you’re whole and complete and cared for by you, then there’s space and energy to receive and be open. When you’re tired, misaligned, needy, and not honoring your needs for self-care and self-love, your vessel isn’t able to receive.
And if something doesn’t make sense to you, or you cant grasp the concept, look for someone who explains it in a different way. Manifestation is not exclusive to a special few. It’s available to everyone. Spirituality is, at the root, authenticity. And when you’re authentic first and foremost, then everything else will flow from there.
For a deeper understanding of my process of manifestation, and why I feel phrases like “raise your vibration to match what you want to manifest” are so harmful, watch this video!